I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
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FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.