every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
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You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
had to share :’)
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck