People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
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something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not