Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
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[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
*feels the wind in my toe hair