*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
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Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)