Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
You Might Also Like
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
Mad Max Arctic Road
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo