A Short Story.
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Breaking news:
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
Saving my good tweets for marriage
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart