My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
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I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Wednesday
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
Pikachu found the lost joint
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
#CatsOnTwitter
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers