I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
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All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!