Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
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I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
I wanna be friends with this person