Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
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I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.