The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
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[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
Actually cracking up @ this
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”