Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
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ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
Breaking news:
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
Merica.
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.