Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
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I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote