You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
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Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen