I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
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STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
peak technology
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
I have a black belt in leather
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
Beards are a privilege, not a right
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.