When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
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Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
Thinking about Jeff
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this