I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
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Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.