POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
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Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue