Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
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ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
Who’s your best friend?
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd