[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
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Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.