I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
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Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”