Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
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Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
Bro what is this
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”