A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
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diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
A fake ID that makes you younger
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?