“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
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The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
You know I’m something of a chef myself
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars