“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
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My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
I saw nothing
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.