You Might Also Like
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
umm…
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.