When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
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The funk soul brother
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.