Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
You Might Also Like
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
Name this drama.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it