“and you are November’s PM yes?”
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Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
My favorite female superhero
Stop making fast and furious movies.
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
Waiting for the Charmin
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.