A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
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[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂