“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
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Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
Oh my god
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
2022 be like
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.