Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
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*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
Me: I’d like to read a comedy by Shakespeare
Librarian: which one?
Me: William
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
*lint rolls you awake*
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.