Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
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“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
Extremely relatable.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs