At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
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If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?