me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
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WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
termite twitter scares me
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello