Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
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According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.