Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
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Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
The pen is writier than the sword.
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
who will stop them
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?