The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
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Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
Hey Fugeddaboutit
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.