WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
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We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears