A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
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My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
Comparing yourself to others
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
worst…sale…ever
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”