ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
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‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired: