who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
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anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
They’re the worst 😩
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
Lucky old June.
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.