“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
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I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again