Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
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[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.