My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
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Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.