Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
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My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.