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RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.