If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
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Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
Flowers bee like
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
The struggle is real
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it