Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
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must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
Matt Goss
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.